Monday, October 29, 2007

You tell the angels in heaven you never seen evil so singularly personified as you did in the face of the man who ran up the score on you

You may remember back in the first couple weeks when I compared Patriots coach Bill Belichick to porn director Jack Horner from Boogie Nights (or you can click here and be reminded). These days, after the Patriots 8-0 start, he's reminding me of a completely different fictional character.

I wonder what Joe Gibbs could've said to make Bill so upset....

Top photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images

Dice-K's $103 million contract comes back to bite the Red Sox

Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

Friday, October 26, 2007

Week 8 LOLpicks: Boom Kings assemble!

Redskins -17 AT Patriots:Between Sean Taylor, Laron Landry, Andre Carter and Cornelius Griffin, at least one Redskin defender should become acquainted with Tom Brady's ACL. Hell, if the game gets out of hand early, put in Mike Sellers on defense and let him blitz every play.

Seriously, enough of these "Eff You TDs." Time for a "Eff Me? NO, EFF YOU! Crippling."

Giants -10 AT Dolphins: As you probably know, this game will be played in London, England. Even though I don't know the conversion rate to European spreads, I will still give the points no matter what.

Browns -3 AT Rams: How in God's name has all this time passed, and Chris Berman has never used the nickname "Joe Jurevicius Case of Herpes?" I've been calling him this for more than a decade, and it NEVER gets old.

Steelers -4 AT Bengals: This Chad Johnson interview by Keyshawn Johnson drives me up a goddamn wall. Can someone tell Keyshawn and the NFL Countdown crew that it's their job, not Chad's, to throw the Cincinnati defense under the bus? Hey Key, do you think maybe that all those Bengals that love crime may be a "disruption?" I think so, and I don't need a receiver on pace for 1,800 receiving yards to confirm it for me.

Last Week: 2-2
Season: 13-14-2

I will no longer be surprised if Boston wins a game at Coors Field

I missed the first seven innings of the Colorado-Boston game to watch Boston College pull out a win against Virginia Tech, but I did catch Papelbon being all lights out and shit.

I don't think the lack of oxygen in Denver will get to Papelbon. Dude could probably pitch in a sandstorm. It might behoove him to close his mouth though.

Question: Do kids these days even play with stick horseys anymore? Do they even know what cowboys are?

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Somebody at hates Bill Simmons

Nothing drives up the hits for your most popular writer's interview with a Hall of Fame basketball player (which is quite excellent, by the way) than making your most popular writer look like a drag queen.

There are three words that I see going through Charles Barkley's mind in this image... "DO NOT WANT."

Image from

Josh Beckett is good

In my world series prediction, I had figured in that Josh Beckett would win this game. But Christ on Christmas, that was an ugly game.

I think all of a sudden the Rockies are wishing that the Diamondbacks had actually outplayed them a couple games.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

My World Series prediction: If the Rockies should encounter God, he will be cut

Colorado Rockies in 5. That's right, I'm picking the team that I thought wouldn't make it out of the Divisional Series. The Rockies have the formula that wild card teams that win the World Series possess... ridiculous momentum, great defense, and clutch hitting.

Meanwhile, I don't think that Boston is prepared for playing in Denver's high-altitude conditions... if the Red Sox take a game at Coors Field, I will be very surprised.

My World Series prediction: Brian Fuentes is going to lose some fingers

Photo by Ben Platt of, with the caption: "A little Denver snow never hurt anyone." Apparently someone has never seen The Shining.

My World Series prediction: No one will crank dat Soulja Boy

One of the most entertaining things about this year in sports has been the random occurence of on-field crankin' of dat Soulja Boy, whether by mascots, Devin Hester, the University of Texas football team, or large purple child-molesting dinosaurs. Unfortunately, I sincerely doubt there will be any crankin' during this fall classic... not in between innings, not during someone's at-bat music, not even during the seventh-inning stretch, where crankin' dat would almost be therapeutic.

Unless of course, someone decides to teach Papelbon how to do it. I'm looking at you, Coco Crisp.

Meanwhile, just wait until the NBA season starts, and the entire New York Knicks team start dancing in unison during a 20-second timeout... including Coach Isiah.

(UPDATE: Just watched the latest Blog Show - where LOL Jocks makes an appearance, by the way - and they talk about the Soulja Boy phenomenon. And sure enough, there's video of the Golden State Warriors getting their crank on. Thanks, Free Darko.)

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

My World Series prediction: David Ortiz will pass out in Game 3

I mentioned this in the comments of this AOL Fanhouse post on Tuesday, but I will reiterate the point here... how the hell is David Ortiz going to run the bases in Denver, Colorado?

There was a situation early in the playoffs where David Ortiz was on second, and the batter kept fouling off pitches with two strikes, and Papi was literally sucking wind while returning to the bag just to do the whole running thing all over again.

That was either in Boston, Cleveland or Anaheim. Where oxygen is plentiful.

Just wait until this series goes to Colorado... I'm just saying if at any point, Papi jumps up and down and yells, "IS THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU, TITO???" well, you know what's coming.

Here's the image reference for the kids (which was hard as hell to find). It's 1:30 into the video, dummy.

These invisable cupcakes will serve their invisable purpose

For the uninitiated, that's Mark Mangino, head football coach of the undefeated Kansas Jayhawks. He dropped his early season schedule on the floor so that it would receive its maximum flavor potential.

Narcolepsy is running rampant in college coaching

Monday, October 22, 2007

The American League championship trophy is an alcoholic

You know, with the cigar, the goggles, and the horrible dance moves... Jonathan Papelbon is slowly turning into Dan Aykroyd.

Thanks to reader Kevin for the pic.

Pete Carroll is ready for Halloween

Here's the reference for you young kids... look at how much hair Adam Sandler used to have!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

No really, WHO wants to sex Pedroia?

I wonder how late the bars in Boston stay open on Sundays....

Photo from Deadspin

(UPDATE: Pedroia's not the only Red Sock getting some tonight.)

This one done her damn self by reader Julie.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Week 7 LOLpicks: I'm getting worse at this

Buccaneers +2.5 AT Lions: In case you haven't noticed, I am 1-5-2 in the past two weeks of NFL LOLpicks. Nothing like blatant homerism to end a losing streak, right?

(And no, if Jeff Garcia were actually watching you masturbate, he wouldn't be grinning from ear to ear. I don't give a damn if he kissed Jeremiah Trotter during a Sunday night game last year... he's not gay.)

Bengals -6.5 VS Jets: Through six games, the Jets have scored 17 points per game. Meanwhile through five games, the Bengals have scored 25 points per game. I'm a math major!

(I can only hope that T.J.'s secret is less disturbing than Adam Sandler's secret.)

Jaguars +3.5 VS Colts: One of the saddest developments of this year's fantasy football season is the recent resurgence of Maurice Jones-Drew, which means I can no longer make fun of my roommate, a Jacksonville fan who drafted MoJo ahead of Joseph Addai, Brian Westbrook, Willie Parker... oh, and Tom Brady.Thanks, Maurice, for not waiting a couple more weeks to stop sucking.

Patriots -17 AT Dolphins: I was very close to picking Miami to beat the spread in this game, but then I found this retarded picture of Randy Moss. And I researched and found out Miami's defense gives up 30 points a game.

Last Week: 0-3-1
Season: 11-12-2

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

This is how you score 17 points against the New Orleans Saints

NBC got a split-second camera shot of Mike Holmgren's offensive game plan against the New Orleans Saints from Sunday Night Football. All this information just to get Shaun Alexander 14 carries for 35 yards. Fascinating.

I think this Sunday Holmgren should just say screw it, and use his Jump To Conclusions Mat to call plays. Moot!

Props to Enjoy the Enjoyment for the Tivo image (via Deadspin).

The mountains win again

Congratulations to the Colorado Rockies, winners of 21 of their last 22 games, for advancing to the World Series.

Now, about those sunflower seed shells in the dugout....

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Here we go again

Kentucky 43, LSU 37: Running up the gut on 4th-and-2? Bad call in my opinion. But even worse, Les Miles' decision NOT to go for two in the first overtime. After pulling out all the stops against Florida, you're three yards away from winning the game, and you don't take the shot? Dance with what brung you, Les!

Oregon State 31, California 28: I am a little disappointed. I was getting used to seeing a Top 5 team from the Pac-10 lose at home to an unranked opponent, but I guess that's not going to happen next weekend. The streak ends at two.

So naturally with the top two teams in the country going down, who assumes the reins of number one? The best team in a weak-ass conference. By the way, there are only two Big Ten teams in the Top 25, and one of them got beat by a Division 1-AA school. If Ohio State plays for the national championship against Boston College (potential champion of the ACC... also with only two ranked teams), we are all damned.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Week 6 LOLpicks: Who IS the Boom King?

Redskins +3 AT Packers: I don't even know what to think anymore after watching these "up-jackings" by Mike Sellers and Sean Taylor (thanks Awful Announcing). The Redskins just collectively like to hit people... it's like they are some kind of Boom Oligarchy.

Raiders +10 AT Chargers: Nothing makes you feel older than when a guy who is three years older than you gets hired as an NFL head coach. Well, that and a receding hairline.

(Before Lane Kiffin came along, I used to judge how old I was by how long ago Die Hard was made. Now Die Hard is old enough to buy cigarettes, and Lucy McClane is old enough for me to think she's hot.)

Texans +7 AT Jaguars: For those of you counting, this is the fourth time in six weeks that I have picked the Texans to cover. That's a lot of confidence in a team that's won more than six games only once in their brief history.

Bears -6 VS Vikings: I don't feel bad for the Vikings at all. They had five whole weeks to grab Vinny Testaverde off the open market, and they blew it. Now they just have to hope that Jeff George didn't trade his cell phone for food stamps.

Last Week: 1-2-1
Season: 11-9-1

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Tom Brady's Stetson commercial

I decided to try something new with these photos of Tom Brady's Stetson photo shoot (from Daily Stab via With Leather). The video took a really long time to put together, and I totally missed the end of the Pitt-Navy game. Shee-it.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Remember kids, drink responsibly

Stanford 24, USC 23: I will concur with what others have said... this is probably the biggest upset in college football history. Until LSU loses to Louisiana Tech by four touchdowns next month, that is.

LSU 28, Florida 24: In my mind, the best college football game of the season so far. Les Miles, going five-for-five on fourth down? Huevos grandes, mi amigo.

South Carolina 38, Kentucky 23: Lee Corso once said, "I don't think Spurrier wins the SEC or National Title. I don't care if he coaches [at South Carolina] 400 years." And here's South Carolina, in the top ten with their only loss to the number one team in the nation. I guess that's why they pay Corso the big bucks.

Illinois 31, Wisconsin 26: I'd like to take this opportunity to personally thank Ron Zook... I don't think I could have taken two teams from the Big Ten in the top five of the polls for much longer.

Here's the reference for the last couple of images, plus a possible re-enactment of Ron Zook's own post-game celebration (hell, it worked for Larry Eustachy).

Picking the Championship Seri-i?

Let's see... in my Division Series predictions, I nailed the AL picks exactly (even predicting the number of games correctly for each), but I totally blew the NL picks. I'm disappointed that I forgot how good the NL West was this year as a whole, which will happen when all the division's press is about the shitty team.

Colorado Rockies in 6. Arizona is quietly impressive, but it seems like every year the blazing hot wild card team finds a way into the World Series. Plus I refuse to pick a team with a closer who acts like he caught a two-outer on the river every time he gets an out. Seriously, Jose Valverde, I'm not a big fan of Ritalin, but for you I'll make an exception.

Boston Red Sox in 5. I can't wait for the game in Cleveland when the Canadian Soldiers come back to Jacobs Field, and all die a horrible death on the Red Sox's pine tar-coated helmets. The Boston relief pitchers might want to wear them while they are pitching too, just to be safe.