LOLpicking the Friday 9:30 p.m. games

(This pick is for Arkansas, by the way. Also, if you aren't already, get familiar with Dr. Steve Brule.)

LOLpicking the Friday 7:10 p.m. games

LOLpicking the Friday 2:30 p.m. games

Too vague?

LOLpicking the Friday 12:15 p.m. games

LOLpicking the Thursday 9:30 games

(Come on, Belmont....)

LOLpicking the Thursday 7:10 p.m. games

Chances are I might be too inebriated to do the 9:30 games, as I have failed to plan ahead (and have therefore planned to fail). If so, I'll get them up tomorrow morning.

LOLpicking the Thursday 12:20pm games

Be gentle, Roy... you need him for six more games

I've got Georgetown over UCLA in my NCAA Tournament pool. Everyone in my office pool is picking either UNC, UCLA or Kansas, so if the final is Georgetown-Memphis, I'll probably be rolling around in dollar bills three weeks from now. (They feel so good on my skin!)

Week 11 LOLpicks: Tom Brady is not the Sexiest Man Alive

Patriots -16.5 AT Bills: After being held to just 24 points over the past two weeks, the Patriots offense will finally get back on track. Oh, and Dane Cook, sorry I stole your joke.

Saints (Pickem) AT Texans: Yes, I'm picking a team coming off a loss to the formerly winless Rams on the road against a team coming off a bye week. I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE.

Chiefs +15 AT Colts: It will be so nice to watch Brodie Croyle grow up right before our very eyes. Just be sure to stop watching once he hits that annoying stage.


Seahawks -6 VS Bears: Seattle looked pretty good on Monday Night Football against that team San Dimas High School(their football does NOT rule). The Bears might have a shot to beat the spread if their quarterback doesn't get too distracted....

Last Week: 1-2-1
Season 19-19-3
Rex Grossman image done his damn self by Brian

Week 10 LOLpicks: Pay the goddamn writers

Raiders +3.5 VS Bears: Fun little contest here. I'd rather watch reruns of shitty Season 6 of 24 than this game. And I just might have to.

Bills -3 AT Dolphins: Think of all the plumbers in the stadium that identify with Robert Royal in this picture. That's why the Bills' fans love their team. That and the Sabres are so goddamn depressing.

Colts -4 AT Chargers: Playing against a lesser team than the Patriots with the refs on their side, how can they not cover?

(Damn, Sports Guy, and you thought Gregg Easterbrook was crazy.)

Cowboys -2.5 AT Giants: The New York Giants with their six straight wins face off against America's Team with their fresh-faced quarterback and his new contract. You couldn't have written a better script. And if you did, you're a scab.

Last Week: 3-1
Season: 18-17-2

Week 9 LOLpicks: Nose candy and devil worship

Packers +2 AT Chiefs: I'm just kidding, Brett Favre doesn't do cocaine. It's good to see that he was able to beat drug addiction and pass it on to Andy Reid's kids.

Browns -1.5 VS Seahawks: "Horse Balls" is an awesome nickname. Ten times better than "Pussy Hands."

Bills -1.5 VS Bengals: I agree with Marshawn Lynch completely when it comes to Applebee's. The Chicken Fajita Rollup is solid. And it don't get no better than solid.

And finally...

Patriots -6.5 AT Colts: I see this game ending 40-ish to 14. Why? Everybody seems to forget that Peyton Manning was TERRIBLE in the playoffs last year until midway into the second quarter of the AFC Championship. So he maneuvers an 18-point comeback and all of a sudden he's a lock to win the big game?

As for the Patriots, well, it's obvious that they are getting a little extra help.


Last Week: 2-2
Season: 15-16-2

Week 8 LOLpicks: Boom Kings assemble!

Redskins -17 AT Patriots:Between Sean Taylor, Laron Landry, Andre Carter and Cornelius Griffin, at least one Redskin defender should become acquainted with Tom Brady's ACL. Hell, if the game gets out of hand early, put in Mike Sellers on defense and let him blitz every play.

Seriously, enough of these "Eff You TDs." Time for a "Eff Me? NO, EFF YOU! Crippling."

Giants -10 AT Dolphins: As you probably know, this game will be played in London, England. Even though I don't know the conversion rate to European spreads, I will still give the points no matter what.

Browns -3 AT Rams: How in God's name has all this time passed, and Chris Berman has never used the nickname "Joe Jurevicius Case of Herpes?" I've been calling him this for more than a decade, and it NEVER gets old.

Steelers -4 AT Bengals: This Chad Johnson interview by Keyshawn Johnson drives me up a goddamn wall. Can someone tell Keyshawn and the NFL Countdown crew that it's their job, not Chad's, to throw the Cincinnati defense under the bus? Hey Key, do you think maybe that all those Bengals that love crime may be a "disruption?" I think so, and I don't need a receiver on pace for 1,800 receiving yards to confirm it for me.

Last Week: 2-2
Season: 13-14-2

My World Series prediction: If the Rockies should encounter God, he will be cut

Colorado Rockies in 5. That's right, I'm picking the team that I thought wouldn't make it out of the Divisional Series. The Rockies have the formula that wild card teams that win the World Series possess... ridiculous momentum, great defense, and clutch hitting.

Meanwhile, I don't think that Boston is prepared for playing in Denver's high-altitude conditions... if the Red Sox take a game at Coors Field, I will be very surprised.

Week 7 LOLpicks: I'm getting worse at this

Buccaneers +2.5 AT Lions: In case you haven't noticed, I am 1-5-2 in the past two weeks of NFL LOLpicks. Nothing like blatant homerism to end a losing streak, right?

(And no, if Jeff Garcia were actually watching you masturbate, he wouldn't be grinning from ear to ear. I don't give a damn if he kissed Jeremiah Trotter during a Sunday night game last year... he's not gay.)

Bengals -6.5 VS Jets: Through six games, the Jets have scored 17 points per game. Meanwhile through five games, the Bengals have scored 25 points per game. I'm a math major!

(I can only hope that T.J.'s secret is less disturbing than Adam Sandler's secret.)

Jaguars +3.5 VS Colts: One of the saddest developments of this year's fantasy football season is the recent resurgence of Maurice Jones-Drew, which means I can no longer make fun of my roommate, a Jacksonville fan who drafted MoJo ahead of Joseph Addai, Brian Westbrook, Willie Parker... oh, and Tom Brady.Thanks, Maurice, for not waiting a couple more weeks to stop sucking.

Patriots -17 AT Dolphins: I was very close to picking Miami to beat the spread in this game, but then I found this retarded picture of Randy Moss. And I researched and found out Miami's defense gives up 30 points a game.

Last Week: 0-3-1
Season: 11-12-2