Friday, September 28, 2007

The Mets and Phillies react to the season premiere of The Office

The Mets and the Phillies are going down to the wire in the first case of a pennant race in the Wild Card Era of baseball. The winner of the NL East goes to the playoffs; second place might not be good enough for the Wild Card. But that doesn't mean they should have to miss out on their favorite TV shows.

Week 4 LOLpicks: Yeah, Marvin was in the shit

Colts -10 VS Broncos: Speaking of this god-awful commercial, I'd like to see other Colts in M.C. Escher paintings... like Jim Sorgi floating around in an endless waterfall, or Bob Sanders and Reggie Wayne chasing each other on a Moebius strip.

Cowboys -13.5 VS Rams: Steven Jackson is out. Marc Bulger has cracked ribs. Tampa scored two touchdowns against their defense with a running back not named Marion Barber.

Texans -3 AT Falcons: You know the most impressive thing about the Colts? They sacked Schaub three times! You know the most impressive thing about the Texans? That stat actually surprised me!

Buccaneers +3 AT Panthers: Just a reminder that last Monday was the one-year anniversary of Chris Simms getting the spleen kicked out of him by the Carolina Panther defense. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Jeff Garcia will still have his spleen intact after this game is over.

Last Week: 3-1
Season: 7-6

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Brazilians are good at soccer

This is Marta, undoubtedly the star of this year's Women's World Cup (which you probably aren't watching). She scored two goals for Brazil in a 4-0 victory (apparently, I didn't watch) against the U.S. Americans to move on to the World Cup Final.

You may remember in the 1999 World Cup, where after a big goal by American Brandi Chastain, she removed her jersey top. Here in the 2007 World Cup, after a big goal, Marta unhinges her jaw instead. How the times have changed.

(The big question: is Marta available? Sorry boys, she's a little picky.)

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Unfortunately, "Superman-ing that ho" is a 15-yard penalty

Courtesy of Orson Swindle of Everyday Should Be Saturday, who has a whole gallery here.

(UPDATE: The University of Texas will show you how to "Soulja Boy", as well.)

Pootie too good! Pootie too good!

I was checking out 12 Seahawks Street (who have an occasional Seahawks LOLjocks gallery) where I found this picture of Seahawks linebacker Julian Peterson (by Chris Joseph Taylor of the Seattle Times). It immediately reminded me of one of the funniest scenes from Pootie Tang, which you feel a lot better watching when you are stealing cable.

Since you, the reader, may not have seen Pootie Tang (fucking movie snobs), I have provided the clip for you. Tell me that's not comedy gold. How this movie didn't win eight Oscars, I have no idea.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

It's preseason hockey, bitches!

You may have been expecting an NFL post today, what with Brett Favre being awesome again, and Drew Brees channeling Billy Joe Hobert and all. Well, as former Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien used to say, "Fuck that noise." It's time for some preseason fucking hockey.

Now I just have to find out what channel it's on.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Mike Patrick also wants to know why Amy Winehouse dresses like a crackwhore, but he'll save that question for a bowl game

So you've just seen Alabama kick a field goal in overtime, and you're ready to watch Georgia take the field with a chance to win. All of a sudden, your friend asks a completely random question that baffles the holy living hell out of you, and all you can think for the next thirty minutes is "Why in God's name would you ask me this? Do you think I give a shit?"

Only it's not your friend, it's Mike Patrick, the guy WHO IS GETTING A PAYCHECK to ask you the dumbest question ever. EVAR.

I believe Alabama quarterback John Parker Wilson can speak for us all.

Hat tip to Everyday Should Be Saturday for the video.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Week 3 LOLpicks: Silent but deadly

Jaguars +3.5 AT Broncos: Might as well take the points, considering the only way the Broncos seem to win these days is by last-second field goals.

Panthers -4 AT Falcons: Just to let you know, Matt Schaub has only been sacked twice so far this year. I believe that David Carr has fallen over on the Panthers' sideline at least three times in that span.

Cardinals +8 AT Ravens: Philosophical question... is Ray Lewis scarier than herpes?

Redskins -4 VS Giants: Clinton Portis should totally do a mid-week interview as a lolcat. If anything, it's a good excuse to eat a cheeseburger.

Last week: 2-2
Season: 4-5

Great Moments in Gambling History: Texas A&M vs. Miami

With five seconds left in the Texas A&M-Miami game, Texas A&M QB launched a 33-yard rope, and rando Texas A&M WR made an amazing touchdown catch. You did not see this play on Sportscenter, and you probably won't see it on YouTube. However, this touchdown made the final score 34-17, which meant that if you bet the under (46.5), you took a bad fucking beat.

Congratulations to the gentleman sitting next to me at the local drinking establishment, resigned to his fate while Miami held a 24-0 lead late in the third quarter. May the dirty pictures you drew on your betting line sheets become reality!

(Except for that one of the penis entering an ass... unless it's your penis, I guess.)

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Sean Taylor takes requests

From my previous Flight of the Conchords-NFL post:

I wanted Sean Taylor to be the Boom King, but dammit if I can't find a good picture of him knocking the shit out of someone.

So what does Sean Taylor do? Knock the living shit out of someone whilst being photographed. Naitch.

Photo by John McDonnell of the Washington Post. Props to Mister Irrelevant for the heads up and the link. For shits and giggles, here's the video again.

NFL Week 2 Wrap-up: Cheaters sometimes prosper

Patriots 38, Chargers 14: Well now we've done it. The Patriots, as a team, are all pissed, and will probably be pissed throughout the entire season. I'm fully expecting Eric Mangini to lead off a future press conference by saying, "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds. Any questions?"

Oh, and as an added bonus, Patriot fans are now uber-defensive! Woo-HAH!

Packers 35, Giants 13: Brett Favre is now the winningest quarterback in NFL history, and Aaron Rodgers is still the most bored quarterback in NFL history. For the Giants, Jared Lorenzen is the girthiest quarterback in NFL history, and Eli... well, he's just not the best at anything.

Buccaneers 31, Saints 14: I'm so sorry, Buccaneers. I didn't mean it. Let me make it up to you. I'll take you to Carrabbas, and afterwards we can go see Hairspray like you wanted.

Browns 51, Bengals 45: I am amazed by the fact that whenever the Bengals get into one of these entertaining shootout games that they appear built to win, they always lose them (45-37 Colts in 2005, 49-41 Chargers last year). All I can say is, at least the Cleveland Browns fans can appreciate a good show.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Do they allow violins inside Fenway Park?

Poor, poor little Red Sox fan. So upset that a professional baseball player would have an opinion about your favorite baseball team.

“It was cool to get his autograph,” Griffin said. “It didn’t make me feel happy when he wrote that.”

Well let me tell you a little story, Griffin, about what didn't make me happy. On my 18th birthday, my mom got me tickets to a Bucks/Hawks game in Atlanta, so I could see my favorite NBA player (at the time). I had his jersey, and I was going to try to get him to sign it.

So the players were doing their pre-game shootaround, and autograph seekers were lined up near the court... when the players were finished, they would go to the crowd, sign for a bit, and then go to the locker room. So I waited patiently for my favorite player (at the time) to finish his shooting, and sure enough he did. And as he was leaving the court, he turned to the autograph seekers (including myself), and said, "Hold on, I'll be right back."

Then he went to the locker room. And he didn't come back.

That player? Vin Baker. He was probably rushing back to the locker room to do some shots.

So, GRIFFIN, just be glad you got an autograph, and don't bitch about the message. And be glad that you didn't have to settle for an autograph from Armon Gilliam.

Photo by Mark Garfinkel

Alex Rodriguez takes a dare




(UPDATE: So apparently Chien-Ming Wang is from Taiwan. Rather than me change the photo, just pretend that guy on the right is actually a Japanese pitcher. Like Chan Ho Park or somebody.)

Now all of my Bama-fan relatives can start being insufferable again

Alabama 41, Arkansas 38: How many lives can Nick Saban ruin in one year? He destroys the collective will of Dolphins fans by taking a shit-ton of money to coach the Crimson Tide, masterminds the shutdown of SEC Poon to destroy the blogosphere's collective erection, and in two months he will deliver a five-point palm exploding heart technique to Auburn that gets Tommy Tuberville fired. What will he do for an encore? Anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank?

(Meanwhile, check this possible scenario: Tuberville gets croomed, Les Miles takes the Michigan job, Houston Nutt gets fired for some reason, and Sylvester Croom keeps his job for beating Auburn. Congratulations, Nick Saban, you now own the SEC West title for the next four years. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.)

USC 49, Nebraska 31: Can John David Booty win the Heisman if his running backs keeping dropping 300 yards a game?

Michigan 38, Notre Dame 0: As Michigan was piling on the points against Notre Dame, two words kept popping into my head... "grudge fuck."

Florida 59, Tennessee 20: Not only does Florida take the big SEC win, the result leads to a certain Tennessee fan bringing the LOLjock treatment to her own chest.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Week 2 LOLpicks: We're talking about the road

Texans +7 AT Panthers: The above picture is from last week's Texans-Chiefs game. Look how clean the back of Schaub's jersey is!

Saints -4 AT Buccaneers: For the sake of disclosure, I will say that I am a Buccaneers fan, and I didn't want to pick the Tampa-Seattle game until I saw how the Bucs were going to play. And I saw.

Cowboys -4 AT Dolphins: Yup, that's two road favorites I'm picking this week. I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

(Or not.)

Lions -3.5 VS Vikings: I think Jon Kitna doesn't want to relinquish his "goofiest looking quarterback in the league" status to Brady Quinn just yet.

(I had originally picked the Vikings to beat the spread, but I changed my mind at the last minute. I hope I don't incur the wrath of Purple Jesus.)

Last Week: 2-3
Season: 2-3

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Don't worry, Greg Oden... there's always shuffleboard

Speedy recovery wishes to Greg Oden, who is missing the 2007-08 NBA season due to recovery from microfracture knee surgery.

Fortunately for Greg, activities like those pictured below can still be enjoyed from a wheelchair.