Thursday, November 29, 2007

Make sure you don't bring up anything about Brett Favre's Chinese or American heritage being a negative

(AP Photo/Morry Gash... here's the reference, sorry about the lack of subtitles.)

Zydrunas Ilgauskas is probably open

By the way, I'm digging the green shamrock on the front waistband of the Celtics uniforms. Too bad they aren't playing on Christmas... they could've substituted mistletoe on the waistband for one night only. HEY-YO!

(Photo by David Liam Kyle/NBAE via Getty Images)

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Only the good die young

Sean Taylor died this morning. He was 24.

I will remember Sean Taylor as a man who liked to hit people. Hard. He was good at it. He is also responsible for the Only Highlight From Any Pro Bowl That Is Actually Worth Watching.

(After this happened, I was seriously screaming at my TV, "IT'S AN EXHIBITION!!!" like Duke in Rocky IV.)

R.I.P. Boom King.

Oh, and to whoever is responsible for this, you better hope the cops find you before Lamar Thomas does.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

We're Florida State fans... from the 1972 Ziggy Stardust Tour

I'm pretty sure if Geno Hayes successfully takes out Tim Tebow with a cheap shot, these guys will immediately start dry-humping each other.

(Photo by Marc Serota/Getty Images)

Friday, November 16, 2007

Week 11 LOLpicks: Tom Brady is not the Sexiest Man Alive

Patriots -16.5 AT Bills: After being held to just 24 points over the past two weeks, the Patriots offense will finally get back on track. Oh, and Dane Cook, sorry I stole your joke.

Saints (Pickem) AT Texans: Yes, I'm picking a team coming off a loss to the formerly winless Rams on the road against a team coming off a bye week. I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE.

Chiefs +15 AT Colts: It will be so nice to watch Brodie Croyle grow up right before our very eyes. Just be sure to stop watching once he hits that annoying stage.

Seahawks -6 VS Bears: Seattle looked pretty good on Monday Night Football against that team San Dimas High School(their football does NOT rule). The Bears might have a shot to beat the spread if their quarterback doesn't get too distracted....

Last Week: 1-2-1
Season 19-19-3

Rex Grossman image done his damn self by Brian

Brady Leaf got retarded, ha... he got retarded in here

I watched Arizona's win over the #2 Ducks last night with an Oregon fan. I could tell that he knew when Dennis Dixon went down with a knee injury in the first quarter, and Ryan Leaf's little brother was called upon to salvage Oregon's BCS ranking in an offense that he's totally not suited for, that this truly was the worst case scenario for his favorite team. Unfortunately, there's no entry in the Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook for this situation.

I wanted to offer some encouraging words in my friend's time of distress, but I couldn't stop thinking that Dennis Dixon looked exactly like a member of the Black-Eyed Peas with that track suit and wool hat.

AP Photo/John Miller

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Friday, November 9, 2007

Week 10 LOLpicks: Pay the goddamn writers

Raiders +3.5 VS Bears: Fun little contest here. I'd rather watch reruns of shitty Season 6 of 24 than this game. And I just might have to.

Bills -3 AT Dolphins: Think of all the plumbers in the stadium that identify with Robert Royal in this picture. That's why the Bills' fans love their team. That and the Sabres are so goddamn depressing.

Colts -4 AT Chargers: Playing against a lesser team than the Patriots with the refs on their side, how can they not cover?

(Damn, Sports Guy, and you thought Gregg Easterbrook was crazy.)

Cowboys -2.5 AT Giants: The New York Giants with their six straight wins face off against America's Team with their fresh-faced quarterback and his new contract. You couldn't have written a better script. And if you did, you're a scab.

Last Week: 3-1
Season: 18-17-2

Monday, November 5, 2007

Super Bowl XLI.5 my ass... those commercials sucked

Congratulations, Colts fans! Your team did not have the score run up on them, therefore ruining my first ever 4-0 weekend. By the way, your team's stadium has some acoustic problems that it might want to get checked out.

(By the way, if you are going to pipe in noise during an opponent's possession, why not use something more bad-ass like Metallica's Kill 'Em All? It works for Guantanamo Bay!)

(UPDATE: So that crowd noise skipping sound was from a CBS production error, and not the Colts' super-efficient crowd noise-maker. My bad.)

Anyway, a fine game that the entire country was forced to watch. Let's preserve the moment in pictures....

Sunday, November 4, 2007

It sure sucks to be a fan in Boston

Florida State 27, Boston College 17: Kudos to the Seminoles for keeping the ACC out of the national championship picture. And congratulations to the city of Boston for making "Shipping Up To Boston" the most overplayed regional song besides "Sweet Home Alabama" (although nobody sings along with the Dropkick Murphys down here in the south... well, besides me).

Oregon 35, Arizona State 23: I can totally support Oregon appearing in the national championship game. However, everything I know about Oregon is what I saw in the movie Overboard. I'm curious if Mike Bellotti is actually a multi-billionaire with amnesia that Phil Knight has tricked into coaching his college football team. And maybe Bellotti will help Knight design a miniature golf course!

(I just noticed that Overboard came out 20 years ago. I am very old. Can't wait for that commemorative DVD.)

LSU 41, Alabama 34: If I had my druthers, LSU would lose to Florida in the SEC Championship Game. But if that doesn't happen, I'd like to see LSU and Oregon in the BCS title game. But since Ohio State doesn't lose to shitty teams, that probably won't happen. Enjoy your yearly two-month layoff, Buckeyes.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Week 9 LOLpicks: Nose candy and devil worship

Packers +2 AT Chiefs: I'm just kidding, Brett Favre doesn't do cocaine. It's good to see that he was able to beat drug addiction and pass it on to Andy Reid's kids.

Browns -1.5 VS Seahawks: "Horse Balls" is an awesome nickname. Ten times better than "Pussy Hands."

Bills -1.5 VS Bengals: I agree with Marshawn Lynch completely when it comes to Applebee's. The Chicken Fajita Rollup is solid. And it don't get no better than solid.

And finally...

Patriots -6.5 AT Colts: I see this game ending 40-ish to 14. Why? Everybody seems to forget that Peyton Manning was TERRIBLE in the playoffs last year until midway into the second quarter of the AFC Championship. So he maneuvers an 18-point comeback and all of a sudden he's a lock to win the big game?

As for the Patriots, well, it's obvious that they are getting a little extra help.

Last Week: 2-2
Season: 15-16-2

The National Hockey League is watching you masturbate

I tried to put together a thoughtful hockey post where I could pretend like I still follow the sport (so how many goals does that Yzerman character have so far, huh?). Instead I discovered a disturbing leitmotif among the various team galleries in the Yahoo! sports photos... all these hockey players are watching you masturbate.

So please, hockey fans, I implore you... stop masturbating at these arenas and let these guys do their jobs. You know, punching each other in the face and talking about their organ-eye-zay-shun, or whatever.