Remember kids, drink responsibly

Stanford 24, USC 23: I will concur with what others have said... this is probably the biggest upset in college football history. Until LSU loses to Louisiana Tech by four touchdowns next month, that is.

LSU 28, Florida 24: In my mind, the best college football game of the season so far. Les Miles, going five-for-five on fourth down? Huevos grandes, mi amigo.

South Carolina 38, Kentucky 23: Lee Corso once said, "I don't think Spurrier wins the SEC or National Title. I don't care if he coaches [at South Carolina] 400 years." And here's South Carolina, in the top ten with their only loss to the number one team in the nation. I guess that's why they pay Corso the big bucks.

Illinois 31, Wisconsin 26: I'd like to take this opportunity to personally thank Ron Zook... I don't think I could have taken two teams from the Big Ten in the top five of the polls for much longer.

Here's the reference for the last couple of images, plus a possible re-enactment of Ron Zook's own post-game celebration (hell, it worked for Larry Eustachy).

Picking the Championship Seri-i?

Let's see... in my Division Series predictions, I nailed the AL picks exactly (even predicting the number of games correctly for each), but I totally blew the NL picks. I'm disappointed that I forgot how good the NL West was this year as a whole, which will happen when all the division's press is about the shitty team.

Colorado Rockies in 6. Arizona is quietly impressive, but it seems like every year the blazing hot wild card team finds a way into the World Series. Plus I refuse to pick a team with a closer who acts like he caught a two-outer on the river every time he gets an out. Seriously, Jose Valverde, I'm not a big fan of Ritalin, but for you I'll make an exception.

Boston Red Sox in 5. I can't wait for the game in Cleveland when the Canadian Soldiers come back to Jacobs Field, and all die a horrible death on the Red Sox's pine tar-coated helmets. The Boston relief pitchers might want to wear them while they are pitching too, just to be safe.

Where's the fire, Trent Green?

I admit, at the start of this NFL season, I made a few "Is Trent Green concussed yet?" jokes. It's a relatively easy joke, like "Brady Quinn is gay," or "Gus Frerotte is starting this week."

But seriously, Trent Green. Again? And on a stretcher to add to the visual?

Anywho, it looks like this concussion will probably end Trent's career. Maybe he can join the panel of NFL Live and have drooling competitions with Merrill Hoge. Meanwhile, I need a new easy medical-related NFL joke.

So, has Chris Simms had his spleen knocked out of his body again yet? Those grow back, right?

Image done his damn self by John M.

Week 5 LOLpicks: Trent gave you his heart, you gave him a pen

49ers +3.5 VS Ravens: This will be the second consecutive game that Trent Dilfer faces a team he once quarterbacked. You may remember last week when Trent refused to leave the Seahawk sideline until Mike Holmgren looked into his eyes and said that he didn't love him anymore... this week expect Dilfer to stand on the Niner bench holding a jukebox blaring "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel over his head in Brian Billick's direction.

Chiefs +2 VS Jaguars: Say hello to Dwayne Bowe, the most added fantasy football player this week thanks to his coming-out party (164 yards and a touch) against San Diego. Of course, I had grabbed him off waivers the week before, but I didn't start him because I thought that David Carr might want to throw the football Steve Smith's way every once in a while.

Patriots -17 VS Browns: Yes, I will jump on board the "Give the points, take the Patriots" bus that everybody and their gambling degenerate mother is on. I'm surprised this line hasn't jumped to -28 already.

(By the way, if you have to click this link for the above reference, shame. SHAME.)

Cardinals -3.5 AT Rams: This picture is awesome for multiple reasons... first, this is the second photo of Leinart I've done where he's grabbing his head like so. It's either a very odd coincidence, or Matty has a brain tumor that he doesn't want us to know about (brain tumors are not HOTT).

Second, look at Leinart's teammates in the photo... they both look like they are afraid that they'll accidentally get into a conversation about how Paris Hilton's twat smells funny.

Last Week: 3-1
Season: 10-7

O captain my captain?

Stephen Jackson was named a captain of this year's Golden State Warriors, along with Matt Barnes and Baron Davis. This is a very deserving honor for Jackson... he's certainly the type of player who will join you on the front lines.

Personally I'm hoping that someday Stephen will make the leap from captain to player-coach. He could even use his new belly tattoo to diagram plays.

Unlike the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, the Boston Red Sox really know how to party

Huge props to reader Chris for pointing me towards this collection of photos of the Red Sox's postgame celebration at a Boston club after clinching the AL East (via Your Fantasy Team Sucks). All original photos are by some dude named Brandon.

What did I learn from these photos? Well, Dice-K gets sleepy when he drinks, Papelbon and Pedroia could totally do wedding receptions, and Clay Buchholz probably spent the night with a toilet. Kids.

Picking the Divisional Series-es-ess

Cleveland Indians in four. This is more of a wish than a prediction... I'd like to see how pissed off the Yankee crowd can get at A-Rod after failing in the postseason for the last time. Have fun looking for Los Angeles muscular she-male types of Anaheim, Alex.

Boston Red Sox in three. Bill Simmons seems very confident that the Angels don't pose any kind of threat against the Sox, and he's a pretty impartial observer, so I believe him.

Philadelphia Phillies in five. This should be a fun series... Game 1 has already started, and the Rockies have already successfully touched home plate three times. They're LEARNING!

Chicago Cubs in four. Good news, Chicago: last year the only baseball stadium I visited was New Busch Stadium, where I saw the Cardinals lose to the Indians. The Cardinals then went on to win the World Series.

This year, the only stadium I visited? Wrigley Field, where I saw the Cubs lose to the Reds. So that has to be a good omen, right? I mean, what could go wrong?

Isiah Thomas will never learn

When will Isiah stop treating objects like women?

Matt Holliday takes it on the chin

I missed the end of the Rockies-Padres one-game playoff for the Wild Card... I decided to go to bed after Tom Brady and T.J. Houshmandzadeh destroyed my fantasy team's chances of staying undefeated (whoever invented play action pass at the goal line can suck a cock). However, I did see the highlights this morning, and while other people can argue about whether or not Matt Holliday touched home plate (which he didn't), I'd like to take a moment and admire Holliday's face plant slide, which left quite a raspberry.

Welcome to the playoffs, Matt Holliday's chin scab. Try not to get picked off.

Hey, check out the wreckage

South Florida 21, West Virginia 13: Hey, South Florida! Congratulations. You're undefeated, tops in the Big East, #6 in the country. Maybe it's time you thought about getting your own place. Seriously, you're fucking up the turf at Raymond James Stadium, and my Buccaneers are already down one running back. I've saved the classified section of the Sunday paper for you.

Colorado 27, Oklahoma 24: I probably would have liked to see the thrilling finale of this game, but I live in the south, so instead I got to watch Clemson score three points on Georgia Tech.

Maryland 34, Rutgers 24: This man's poetry says it better than I ever could.


Kansas State 41, Texas 21: I think I also would have liked to watch this game, but I live in the south, so instead I got to watch Alabama punt ten times against Florida State.

Auburn 20, Florida 17: Tebow falters for the first time as a starter. However, even Auburn fans have to admit that he does a pretty good impersonation of Jesus.