Anybody got a Kleenex?

Done his damn self by Mazarin.

Terrell Owens is off his diet

Done his damn self by Mazarin

Week 10 LOLpicks: Pay the goddamn writers

Raiders +3.5 VS Bears: Fun little contest here. I'd rather watch reruns of shitty Season 6 of 24 than this game. And I just might have to.

Bills -3 AT Dolphins: Think of all the plumbers in the stadium that identify with Robert Royal in this picture. That's why the Bills' fans love their team. That and the Sabres are so goddamn depressing.

Colts -4 AT Chargers: Playing against a lesser team than the Patriots with the refs on their side, how can they not cover?

(Damn, Sports Guy, and you thought Gregg Easterbrook was crazy.)

Cowboys -2.5 AT Giants: The New York Giants with their six straight wins face off against America's Team with their fresh-faced quarterback and his new contract. You couldn't have written a better script. And if you did, you're a scab.

Last Week: 3-1
Season: 18-17-2

T.O. can't be too cool in a tree with his pants down

Done his damn self by K.C.

Week 2 LOLpicks: We're talking about the road

Texans +7 AT Panthers: The above picture is from last week's Texans-Chiefs game. Look how clean the back of Schaub's jersey is!

Saints -4 AT Buccaneers: For the sake of disclosure, I will say that I am a Buccaneers fan, and I didn't want to pick the Tampa-Seattle game until I saw how the Bucs were going to play. And I saw.

Cowboys -4 AT Dolphins: Yup, that's two road favorites I'm picking this week. I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

(Or not.)

Lions -3.5 VS Vikings: I think Jon Kitna doesn't want to relinquish his "goofiest looking quarterback in the league" status to Brady Quinn just yet.

(I had originally picked the Vikings to beat the spread, but I changed my mind at the last minute. I hope I don't incur the wrath of Purple Jesus.)


Last Week: 2-3
Season: 2-3

NFL Week 1 Wrap-up: There can be only one

Cincinnati 27, Baltimore 20: Hey Ocho Cinco... next time check your jacket for spelling errors, buddy. By the way, Steve McNair got hurt late in this game, and Kyle Boller had to finish. Who could've predicted that?

San Francisco 20, Arizona 17: The ugliest pro game that you will ever see ending early on a Tuesday. Insufferable fantasy football note: I wanted Alex Smith as my starting fantasy quarterback, but i thought that the ninth round was too early to take him, so I grabbed Tony Romo instead. And this is why I am awesome.

Denver 15, Buffalo 14: One of three game-winning field goals on Sunday (including Green Bay over Philadelphia... and Washington over Miami), but the most badass considering that the entire field goal unit had to run a Chinese fire drill to get the kick off in time. Dance, bitches!

New England 38, New York Jets 14: I know that the Patriots' dominance was the story in this game. And I know that Pennington got injured, and it's not nice to make fun of injured folks. But when I get a chance to reference a vague Kids in the Hall recurring character, I take it.

Dallas 45, New York 35: Awesome picture sent in from Matt, although I know a certain emo band that would respectfully disagree with him.

Week 1 LOLpicks: T.O. has an incentive!

Cowboys -6.5 VS Giants: This is also my suicide pick for this week (the Cowboys, not Terrell owens again).


Ravens +2.5 AT Bengals: Yes, the Baltimore Ravens, the only team in the league that can make a Cincinnati Bengals game boring.

(By the way, what do you think would happen if Steve McNair and Ken Griffey Jr. ever had an arm wrestling contest?)


Texans -3 VS Chiefs: If there is an over/under on number of "Matt Schaub getting sacked" pictures that I will post, TAKE THE OVER. Trust me.


Broncos -3.5 AT Bills: Unfortunately, Bills fans, the Bronco defense is quite solid. And as Marshawn Lynch will tell you, it don't get no better than solid, baby. That's what I'm talking about.

This season: 0-1 (shut up).