It sure sucks to be a fan in Boston

Florida State 27, Boston College 17: Kudos to the Seminoles for keeping the ACC out of the national championship picture. And congratulations to the city of Boston for making "Shipping Up To Boston" the most overplayed regional song besides "Sweet Home Alabama" (although nobody sings along with the Dropkick Murphys down here in the south... well, besides me).

Oregon 35, Arizona State 23: I can totally support Oregon appearing in the national championship game. However, everything I know about Oregon is what I saw in the movie Overboard. I'm curious if Mike Bellotti is actually a multi-billionaire with amnesia that Phil Knight has tricked into coaching his college football team. And maybe Bellotti will help Knight design a miniature golf course!

(I just noticed that Overboard came out 20 years ago. I am very old. Can't wait for that commemorative DVD.)

LSU 41, Alabama 34: If I had my druthers, LSU would lose to Florida in the SEC Championship Game. But if that doesn't happen, I'd like to see LSU and Oregon in the BCS title game. But since Ohio State doesn't lose to shitty teams, that probably won't happen. Enjoy your yearly two-month layoff, Buckeyes.

Week 9 LOLpicks: Nose candy and devil worship

Packers +2 AT Chiefs: I'm just kidding, Brett Favre doesn't do cocaine. It's good to see that he was able to beat drug addiction and pass it on to Andy Reid's kids.

Browns -1.5 VS Seahawks: "Horse Balls" is an awesome nickname. Ten times better than "Pussy Hands."

Bills -1.5 VS Bengals: I agree with Marshawn Lynch completely when it comes to Applebee's. The Chicken Fajita Rollup is solid. And it don't get no better than solid.

And finally...

Patriots -6.5 AT Colts: I see this game ending 40-ish to 14. Why? Everybody seems to forget that Peyton Manning was TERRIBLE in the playoffs last year until midway into the second quarter of the AFC Championship. So he maneuvers an 18-point comeback and all of a sudden he's a lock to win the big game?

As for the Patriots, well, it's obvious that they are getting a little extra help.


Last Week: 2-2
Season: 15-16-2

The National Hockey League is watching you masturbate

I tried to put together a thoughtful hockey post where I could pretend like I still follow the sport (so how many goals does that Yzerman character have so far, huh?). Instead I discovered a disturbing leitmotif among the various team galleries in the Yahoo! sports photos... all these hockey players are watching you masturbate.















So please, hockey fans, I implore you... stop masturbating at these arenas and let these guys do their jobs. You know, punching each other in the face and talking about their organ-eye-zay-shun, or whatever.

Luke Walton thinks the Houston Rockets are the dirtiest team in the league

You tell the angels in heaven you never seen evil so singularly personified as you did in the face of the man who ran up the score on you

You may remember back in the first couple weeks when I compared Patriots coach Bill Belichick to porn director Jack Horner from Boogie Nights (or you can click here and be reminded). These days, after the Patriots 8-0 start, he's reminding me of a completely different fictional character.

I wonder what Joe Gibbs could've said to make Bill so upset....


Top photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images

Dice-K's $103 million contract comes back to bite the Red Sox

Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

The Boston Red Sox win the WorOMGZ A-ROD OPTED OUT OF HIS CONTRACT

Arte Moreno is just gonna go find a cash machine....

AP Photo/Frank Franklin II

Week 8 LOLpicks: Boom Kings assemble!

Redskins -17 AT Patriots:Between Sean Taylor, Laron Landry, Andre Carter and Cornelius Griffin, at least one Redskin defender should become acquainted with Tom Brady's ACL. Hell, if the game gets out of hand early, put in Mike Sellers on defense and let him blitz every play.

Seriously, enough of these "Eff You TDs." Time for a "Eff Me? NO, EFF YOU! Crippling."

Giants -10 AT Dolphins: As you probably know, this game will be played in London, England. Even though I don't know the conversion rate to European spreads, I will still give the points no matter what.

Browns -3 AT Rams: How in God's name has all this time passed, and Chris Berman has never used the nickname "Joe Jurevicius Case of Herpes?" I've been calling him this for more than a decade, and it NEVER gets old.

Steelers -4 AT Bengals: This Chad Johnson interview by Keyshawn Johnson drives me up a goddamn wall. Can someone tell Keyshawn and the NFL Countdown crew that it's their job, not Chad's, to throw the Cincinnati defense under the bus? Hey Key, do you think maybe that all those Bengals that love crime may be a "disruption?" I think so, and I don't need a receiver on pace for 1,800 receiving yards to confirm it for me.

Last Week: 2-2
Season: 13-14-2

I will no longer be surprised if Boston wins a game at Coors Field

I missed the first seven innings of the Colorado-Boston game to watch Boston College pull out a win against Virginia Tech, but I did catch Papelbon being all lights out and shit.

I don't think the lack of oxygen in Denver will get to Papelbon. Dude could probably pitch in a sandstorm. It might behoove him to close his mouth though.

Question: Do kids these days even play with stick horseys anymore? Do they even know what cowboys are?

Somebody at ESPN.com hates Bill Simmons

Nothing drives up the hits for your most popular writer's interview with a Hall of Fame basketball player (which is quite excellent, by the way) than making your most popular writer look like a drag queen.

There are three words that I see going through Charles Barkley's mind in this image... "DO NOT WANT."

Image from ESPN.com